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My dad is leaving his wife. Finally leaving her. This woman has been like a cancer to our family and she is finally going to be gone. Hes tried to leave her before apparently but this time its for real. he has an apartment in la mesa and he and the kids are packing and are going to be gone before she gets back from vacation on monday. they are leaving notes behind for her explaining why they left and are letting the police know that the kids are his and they are leaving willingly so she cant get him arrested for kidnapping. She is so verbally abusive that it would be irresponsible to keep the kids, well teenagers now, in that home any longer and i am so proud of him for finally doing this. He has the support of his mother and my mom and me and when she finds out he will have the support of my sister as well. He apologized for my childhood for the way me and my sister were treated and said he should have never let it get that far. He said he wants to get to know me again that the kids want to get to know me. They all agree to this, it was everyone agree or its not happening, and my oldest little brother,16, was the last one to agree because he didnt want her to hate him. i told him tonight that sometimes you have to take care of yourself first and worry about other people second. this is going to be a big change for them and i will support them in whatever way i can.


Spirit Day

Originally posted by neo_prodigy at Spirit Day

It’s been decided. On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honor of the 6 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes at at their schools. Purple represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you and respect you for who you are, no matter your sexuality. Please wear purple on October 20th. Tell your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and schools.

RIP Tyler Clementi, Seth Walsh (top)
RIP Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase (middle)
RIP Asher Brown and Billy Lucas. (bottom)

REBLOG to spread a message of love, unity and peace.

21st birthday

Today is my 21st birthday. it went ok. my sister and i went over to the liquor store and got me a mikes harder lemonade. I know its not very exciting but i have never had any alcohol and there is a history of alcoholism in my family and i didnt want to go over board. I took a few sips it tasted horrible and made me gag. I dont know i feel like i am disappointing the name of the 21st birthday, it was sort of a build up to my birthday and i had so many ideas about going to bars and what not and it just didnt happen that way. It was a happy moment for me my family and sisters friends out with me on the porch as i took my first sip. The way i see it i have the rest of my life to drink it all doesnt have to happen today. Im still processing. I think its difficult to drink at my house because my mom doesnt allow alcohol in the house so maybe when i move, eventually, i'll drink beer or go out to bars. I dont know i just turned 21.

Earthquake saga pt 2

Hello i am back.as i was saying earlier, my therapist said that my reaction to the earthquakes isnt about earthquakes at all. its me letting out bottled up emotions. About me not feeling safe. we talked about my childhood how my mom was a drug addict and after she got clean the custody battle between her and my father and step mother. How it was such a volatile environment that i didnt feel safe so it brings all that back when i experience an earthquake. She told me that i have dealt with things that any normal 21 year old hasnt dealt with, my childhood my mothers drug addiction, losing my grandmother to breast cancer my sisters drug addiction losing my uncle to a heart attack, things that i had no control over and ultimately negatively affected my life. So when i cant control things i freak out. she also suggested that i find a support system outside of my family as well as my family, That i try and become more independent. she made it seem like my strong protective nature towards my family was hindering my growth as an adult and i think it kind of is. I havent really had to do anything by myself i have always had someone there to guide me to be my safety net. it makes sense in a way. I love my family dearly but i need to grow to have a chance to sink or swim in a way. she says that if i do this my fear of earthquakes wont be as bad. The way my mind works is that earthquakes are lethal, thats where i go when i feel one, my family will die and i will be alone because right now my family is everything i have. i dont really have friends or a boyfriend so its like if i lose my family i lose myself. so if i have friends an outside source of comfort and companionship then i will know that i wont be alone and i will handle the earthquakes better. She also asked me to think of a time when i didnt feel safe disregarding the earthquake so i thought about all the times i didnt feel safe and she said that every time i felt an earthquake i was sort of reliving all of those moments and i get overwhelmed. its something that i will have to work on for a while but i think i am slowly getting better i can feel it.


Earthquake saga continues

There was another earthquake today. I was home alone, something that has never happened with my previous earthquake experiences. I freaked out. I went to the usgs website and found out that it was a reported 5.0 in seeley which is so far away from me that i cant even tell you where it is. After i looked that up i rushed to my car all the while trying not to freak out to much because i still had to drive to my therapist appointment. When i got there though i couldnt stop the tears. My therapist, Kara, said that my crying is a reaction to all the adrenaline that goes through me at the initial feel of an earthquake. Kara talked me through it asked what happened how i felt but not in that way that most therapist are portrayed, how does that make you feel, bullshit. I feel i can talk to her more than my previous therapist which is good because i really shouldnt be holding anything back if i want to get better. she told me that  my reaction wasnt probably about the earthquake but me letting out bottled up emotions and using the earthquake as a catalyst. IT makes sense.i can be upset and not have to blame anyone. I think this is the first rational fear i have had to this magnitude. I mean its rational to fear earthquakes but the reasoning behind my fear isnt so rational if that makes sense. earthquakes are these powerful things. they have the power to level cities, kill thousands in just a few seconds. thats scary, point blank. they have the power to make or break us, let us live or kill us. Not many things in the world have that power. Usually when something does have that power we have made a conscious decision to give it that power. Whether it be a person or a risk we take we decided if its worth it, if losing everything is worth it and it makes us accept the outcome more easily. But with an earthquake we dont give it that power it takes it. Suddenly and unexpectedly. we dont have time to prepare to steel ourselves for the outcome and i think that is why people are afraid of earthquakes. It is possible the only thing in the world we cannot predicted, in terms of nature. We can predict tornados, thunderstorms, tsunamis, we even have red flag warnings for wildfires. we can predict the weather and become prepared but we cannot predict earthquakes.

To be continued( my sister is home and my family doesnt know about this account.)


Writer's Block: Goodness gracious

Have you even had a moment, an hour, or a day that renewed your faith in the fundamental goodness of humankind?

Every  time i look at my nephew and see the joy in his face, the fact that he can find happiness in the smallest of things my faith in humankind is renewed. Every time i see people volunteering or helping out strangers my faith in humankind is renewed.


So the season five finale of supernatural was amazing. It started out with the carry on my wayward son montage of past episodes, those are always my favorite. I was in such a daze the whole episode that i cant really give a play by play but i do remember some biggies. First off Cas fell asleep in the impala. this is important because angels dont sleep so that backs up the whole castiel is human now after the showdown with the angels. Cas on a whole has been so adorkable these past few episodes that i cant stand it. anywho Sam says yes to Lucifer, who knew about the rings and took control of Sam no matter how hard Sam fought. Throughout the whole episode Chuck the prophet did this running commentary on the impala and the boys that was absolutely beautiful. The most memorable quote was  something along the lines of "they may not have had four walls and a roof but they were never homeless." It made my eyes well up with tears. So the showdown between Lucifer and Michael(using the half brother of the winchesters discovered this season, Adam as a vessel) takes place in a run down cemetary outside of Lawrence, which Chuck states that maybe it has to end where it all started. So Lucifer!Sam and Michael!Adam are at the cemetary and dean comes rolling up in the impala and wants to talk to Sam. Michael!Adam gets all pissy and then we hear Cas yell "Hey ass butt" and then throws a molotov cocktail of what im assuming is holy fire at him and he sort of explodes kind of, any way hes gone but he will be back. Lucifer!Sam gets mad that cas did that and he pretty much implodes cas blood and guts everywhere. then bobby shoots Lucifer!Sam and he then breaks bobbys neck so its just dean and Lucifer!Sam and then Lucifer!Sam proceeds to beat the crap outta Dean and then he sees a little army man that sam stuck in the ashtray years ago as a kid and all the memories come back of his time with his brother and the car and Sam takes control again and opens the metaphorical box that the devil was in in hell and prepares to jump in when Michael!Adam comes back and says that it doesnt end this way that he and lucifer were destined to fight but Sam ends up pulling both of them into the gaping hole in the ground. So dean is sitting there beaten up and alone lamenting the lose of his only family in the forms of bobby and sam and maybe even castiel when he hears a rustle and its cas back to his angelic glory healing dean. With his beaituful face back Dean asks if castiel is god and for a moment i thought he was going to say yes in what would have been the biggest twist in television history in my opinion. Castiel says no but what a compliment. and that god brought him back new and improved as he goes and freaking brings bobby back to life and i didnt even know he could do that. then its dark and dean is driving with cas and he asks what he is going to do now and he says that since michael is in the pit its  probably chaos up in heaven so he is going to go back and dean gets mad and says stuff and cas gets mad and says some profound things that i cant remember now but i will be downloading this episode so i will know soon and then cas is gone and dean says he sucks at goodbyes. chuck is over hear again saying really profound things about endings and it shows dean and bobby saying that it is the last time they will see each other for some time and that next week bobby will be hunting something in the town over. dean goes to see lisa and she is happy to see him and he asks if its too late for that beer and she says that its never too late so they go inside and then it goes to chuck who is finishing his last book and after he types the end he sort of disappears like smoke. it goes back to dean and lisa sitting down for dinner with her son then it goes to the street light outside her house that flickers and goes out then pans down while we can see inside the window at the dinner table with dean lisa and ben. then from outside we see the back of fucking sam who is supposed to be in hell and i couldnt tell if it was Lucifer!Sam or just sam but i have a feeling it was just sam but with something extra because it reminded me of a demon, the whole light going out thing. and then its over and we have to wait for season 6.

i fucking hate my house

i cant stand my fucking house right now i got a call from my mom saying i need to clean my room so i can start sleeping in there again instead of the living room and im fucking angry. not about the fact that i have to clean my room but about the fact that she expects this done today when i have a fifteen month old to watch all day and doing anything with him is pretty fucking hard. the last thing i want to do tonight when his parents get home is fucking clean when im emotionally and physically exhausted. my mom had plenty of time over the weekend to tell me to clean my room but she didnt its probably not even her that cares but my fucking pussy of a step dad who cant grow a pair and tell me himself he has to get my mom to do it. well i guess i better go start my room. oh fucking joy.

getting better

so i dont remember my last entry on here what i put down and what not. i think it was about my anxiety over the earthquake and my therapist going mia. well since then i have found out that my therapist is on maternity leave and i have since seen her replacement who i find it extremely easy to talk to. she made me go through all of the worst case senarios that were running through my head and then proceeded to make them not seem so big. like one of my fears was my whole family, including me dying. well if were all dead there is no real anxiety there. my other one was everyone but my 15 month old nephew dying and him being alone and scared until someone found him. well she pointed out that the police or emergency services would come around and pick him up and until then we have neighbors who just adore him and would take him in until then. since then i have been doing better i think. there are times during the day that something will remind me of an earthquake and ill get nervous but then i quickly establish that everything is fine. I have a few months of appointments set up with this new therapist so hopefully i will keep gettting better. i got a new tattoo today. on my left wrist i got the word breathe. i think it serves as a reminder to just well breathe, if i get nervous or to much in my head. but it also reminds me of what i have gotten past what i have accomplished in my life so far in terms of overcoming my anxiety. it keeps things in perspective which is nice i like it ill put a picture up soon


im still scared

there was another earthquake in mexico it was a 5 something this time. i didnt even really feel, didnt even know about it till my mom called to see if it was okay. i told her i was then she mentioned the earthquake and i told her i wasnt now. im not okay, not even the littlest bit. i put on a brave face for everyone but on the inside im trying not to break down. i havent felt relaxed since sunday my nerves are shot and i cant enjoy the little things anymore. like my nephews laugh or smile like spending time with my sister over spring break. i finally figured out how to explain what im going through. its like your messing around with your friend and you accidentally hit her or something and shes like i cant believe you just did that and not matter how hard you apologize shes like ill get you back dont worry, jokingly of course because thats how you guys are, shes says you wont know when where or who but ill get you back. so your fine for a while thinking she was just joking but then you think about it and she wont joke about that so you start to get nervous,your in your head to much and cant get out so the nerves start to build you start to flinch at every sudden movement you get nervous when somebody approaches you thinking theyll be the one. so you finally cant handle it anymore you seek your friend out you beg her forgiveness and ask her to just get it over with and she figures youve had enough and gives in and its over your relaxed know that nothing else will happen, but i dont get that luxery. i dont get to decide when my life will be rocked to the core so i dont get the reprieve from the nerves they just keep building and building taking so much out of me that i am exhausted and yet cant sleep at the same time to the point where i pass out on the couch at night while in the middle of doing something else. i dont know how much longer i can go on like this. my anxiety never really mattered to me  because in the long run it didnt make me that much different from anyone else i learned to deal with it to fake it till i made it so to speak but this i cant fake this i cant fake being ok when im shaky when i walk when i freak out over every little tremor i feel from a passing truck or a cat jumping on the couch or my own fucking shaking leg, which i cant seem to get under control now. i look around and evryone seems to be fine not even thinking twice about the earthquakes when it is taking over my fucking like and i dont know how to fix it i dont know how to be normal again.



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October 2010


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